What all has God got in store for us?
God has given us a magnificent calling to Brazil. God’s call on my husband’s life is so very clear and he is so bold about it too! And I am so happy to be a witness to everything that God is doing through his life. Being an evangelist is the passion of his life. For a very long time I ‘hitched a ride’ on his calling, on his hearing God’s voice. However, there was always a question in the back of my mind: ‘Am I called to follow my husband, to be there for him, to ‘arrange’ everything he needs so he can follow his calling?’
And of course, that is true, for it is not for nothing that God brought us together! It was really God Himself Who told me at our first encounter: ‘This is the man you will grow old with.’
But yet, I was not quite happy with that. I wanted a call from God on my own life, one that is separate from his calling, but on the other hand has everything to do with his.
I started investigating my own calling, looking for what fitted my and his personality best, suited to what we are doing … completely overlooking the fact that, of course, God has put a calling on my life too. But I was so taken up with interpreting things and searching for myself that I completely forgot that I had to go to God.
How I struggled, for I was only looking at Johan and what he was doing, and I thought I had to live up to his standard, speak the way he speaks, minister the way he ministers. It was so often that I felt such a failure. I could not be like him …
Until God started speaking to me. Or more accurately, when I started listening to Him, because He had been speaking to me all the time.
‘You are my beloved child,’ ‘I have put a calling on your life,’ ‘You’re good enough the way you are,’ ‘Do not look at others, look at Me.’
Now I have my own walk with Him, and by stepping out further and further each time, He shows me more and more of His plan.
And do you want to know what is so special? My own walk with God is such a good match with Johan’s. Each in our own way, our personal relationship with God, our relationship with each other, and thus we are a triune unity with Him!
And then I am so amazed at God’s perfect plan on Johan’s life and mine together! From the very first day!
‘For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ’ (Galatians 1:10; KJV).
This morning I opened up my Bible and read this text. It got me thinking.
What am I doing? Who am I trying to persuade that I really believe? Why do I behave ‘more piously’ in certain situations than others … who do I want to prove myself to? Other people? God? Am I trying to prove that I am really worshiping Him?
To people? Who do I want to please? Other people or God?
God sees my heart. And He wants me to worship Him in spirit and in truth (John 4:23).
By acting normal! By being who I am in Him. By being who He says I am. I have learnt that it is okay to be who I am!
I do not have to be what people expect of me, I do not have to behave the way I think others expect me to behave, I do not have to conform to others.
Knowing who I am in Him, I can be who I am, His child. I can follow Him, and I can come to Him just as and precisely the way I am!
Boldness can be a bit of a problem. For it is so easy to tell someone to be bold towards others, let alone to come boldly before God’s throne. Going to Him with all of your heart, it sounds so beautiful. Who does not want complete surrender?
But how do you do it? What does it mean? What is sometimes stopping me from completely yielding to Him?
What is stopping many of us to go to God’s throne without hesitation, worship God with confidence, go through life without shame?
Our own selves so often get in the way. Our own condemnation.
I will sometimes find myself in church, worshiping with abandon, feeling God’s presence, the anointing of the Holy Spirit … and all I know to do is fall to my knees and totally surrender to Him … . Yet I do not, I remain standing … .
Because, what will people think? I used to wonder at the people who actually knelt, who seemed oblivious of others around them … I thought that was weird, I did not get it and was judgmental about it. I even felt it was over the top.
But at the time I did not yet understand what it meant to boldly go to God, or what His love meant, and that He looks on the heart.
But I have long ago given up thinking it is over the top. Everyone can come to Him just as they are. I thoroughly enjoy seeing people completely giving themselves to God.
But yet, I still fail to kneel. Despite the fact that I really know what I know! That I can come to Him in complete surrender. That there is nothing about me to be ashamed of. That shame is so self-centered! ‘Perhaps people will think what I used to think?’
And because of that self-centeredness I fail to give God what He deserves … wholehearted, uninhibited, complete surrender, going to Him holding nothing back …
But … today I make a decision:
I shall not be led by my thoughts anymore, or my fears or condemnation. From this day forward I shall be led by the Holy Spirit! And I shall allow Him to fill me with His abundant love!
And when I fall to my knees … it will be because of His magnificence and my tininess!